
In my late 50's and slept alone for about 30 years but when I was a young woman,I was a sinner. Didn't drink alcohol to much, didn't knowingly do a lot of drugs but was active sexually. Sleeping with a man for about 9 years and having another man follow us when we moved and we moved plenty.
After I got away from my ex-husband, I just wanted to forget everything and I was somewhat depressed so that's what I thought would be the best thing to do. Other people thought I should just let it all go too and that's the way it's always been. For the last 8 years though, I have had to rethink this kind of philosophy. There seems to be so much more to my life with my ex than I ever ever really knew.
Nothing ever seemed to matter to anyone around me and never really had people, whom talked to me a lot. Conversation seems to have some sort of enemy with me. I seem to have too too many secrets and even I never really knew about
my secrets.
I've been accused of being mentally ill but this has never been pinned down exactly. I mean I've never really had a proper diagnoses by anybody professional. I'm just allowed to go without the psycho drugs because frankly I just don't take any risperdal or anything else for so called mental disorders.
As I said before, nobody can talk to me or tell me anything much. I guess I just got these stories about my past and who can tell about whether they are true or not. It's all so long ago now and so unreal even to me and lets face it, my life was working without it for all of these 30 years. Sleeping alone has always been like freedom to me since the bondage I seemed to have been in with my ex!
For the last 12 years I have lived in one place, and that has been hard for me to do, because of my past and the way I was used. You see, I found out, I was walking in my sleep and talking and answering in my sleep or some kind of sleep state and I never remembered this sleep state in my wake state of mind. It wasn't like another personality with another name, it seems to be me, in some kind of stupor. I have always been blamed in my adult life for 40 years of not remembering things and people and places I should be able to remember. Hell, these guys could even make up things to put instead of my memory and nobody ever knew the difference since I couldn't tell either. This sleep must be like a hypnotic state too, since I also forgot what I was even doing in my wake state. I know I did for over 30 years forget these things because I can remember now and place them in between wondering states of mind which I had then. I would just have my memory like wiped out. There would be an empty space and I wouldn't have an idea of the time in days length. I mean the days would be gone. I don't think I ever realized this before but the time was kind of used against me, since I had no
idea of it.
I can understand not being believed after 35 years but I can hardly believe just forgetting so much of my past and having an empty space where there should have been all kinds of personal memories of different people. I don't believe I could have a personnel relationship with a man because of this past of mine. I mean I think all personal relationships with me are doomed either soon or later. Seems to me, I'm either broken or cracked forever. I don't need the drugs but I do need my memories. I can't stand being seen like this or being
treated like this. I will always be the same, I will never change and I will never want somebody to take advantage of me, like this again.
There is this idea that people are phony to me. They act like my ex, whom never really could tell the truth about me either. I had a vacant hole of a life of about 8 years when I was with my ex. I don't really want to miss out on things that much but nobody has ever been able to represent the truth to me. There is no conversation with me largely because of this, I believe.
For all of these years, I have thought men couldn't be honest to me but the whole thing is even more than that. There cannot be honesty in my life so I get blamed for all kinds of things to this day. I'm kind of like a scape-goat for everything. I can still be taken for my memory too and there is nobody there to stop this. I think I have a kind of petty crime on me even now that has always followed me when I began sleeping alone, 30 years ago. Once you find out about somebody's weaknesses, do you leave them alone for it? Say for example my ex was from a wealthy family and I never really knew it?
I think it would take a certain amount of money to make it so people never can tell the real truth around me, don't you think? In other words it's still bondage that I must be in. I must still be experiencing some sort of crime against me as taking my memory is a crime toward me, in my opinion. What can't you do with a person whose memories you can just reach in and take away?
So being that this is the most unbelievable life story of anyone's now I want to add to it. I was involved with sexual crime when I was with my ex-husband from 1968 to 1977. I won't name my ex because it's a factious name but I will name these serial killers. I won't name the other man whom followed us, either but he had to have lots of money too and in fact one time he showed me his credit cards and he had a lot of plastic and they seemed to be in different names too.
Anyways dum old me and we all knew these hippies in '68 and '69 and then they were on trial for their lives in '71. After they received the death penalty there was even a detective in the place where I was working. he actually tried to question me in that place and I had a drink and I just got sleepy. At this time I was having problems with stories circulating about me. These stories have never stopped to this day but now I know the reason for them. These hippies, whom received the death penalty are the Charles Manson family I do believe.
Almost as the same time as this and just a little before the detective, I was stopped on the street by this stranger whom had the power to hold me and not really allow me to remember what he said, but talk to me in some kind of trance. This man was John Wayne Gacy, whom had just gotten out of jail for the first stretch. I think I remember he was going to take me over to the pool room which wasn't far away and then he just thought better of it. I just resumed walking across the street and never even knew he had been talking to me, it was so much like a dream or something.
John Wayne Gacy got the death penalty too as we can recall in 1979 after some 33 boys. I was sleeping alone at that time and couldn't have believed it had anything to do with me. I was still having dreams I didn't remember even at this time. There was another detective whom visited me but in the public area of the building I was living in. He just asked me if I knew this man, John Gacy and I said no. I could tell lies and never know it.
In 1978 there was the religious cult deaths too, I don't know what that could have had to do with me but I have remembered some dreams about people talking to me in my sleep since, that's all.
In 1980, there was Hannibal Lecter and his trial too and I never paid any attention to that either since Hannibal Lecter lived in Baltimore. But in my recent past I have come across memories of being in New York and Baltimore. My ex-husband said he came from New York originally.
I've also found out that we were visiting other psychiatrists before we went to New York here on the west coast of Canada, on Vancouver Island. I never used to remember anything about them. I know we went to see these people but cannot confirm anything so far. I never even used to remember we were on the island but we were about 3 or 4 times when I was living with him.