Jokes, Funnies, And All Sorts Of Laughter

[susie31023]

Ok, guys, thought I would start a thread for nothing but light hearted laughter...Here are some to get us going~Hope they give you a giggle or two~~Susie



Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems
that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to
walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each
walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal
drink. :biggrin:

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob
took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Bubba stepped out of the boat
and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety. :shrug:

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he
asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my
pappy, his father, and his father before him?" :shrug:

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, "Because your
father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January,
when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you idiot. :biggrin::biggrin:

[susie31023]

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. :(

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer
of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you
will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
female brain.' :D

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked. :punch:

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to
ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?' :D

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just
standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've actually been used.':biggrin::biggrin:

[susie31023]

A Police Officer stops a man for running a red light.

The guy is a real jerk and goes running back to the patrol officer and demands to know why he is being harassed. So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.:eek:

The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation, he puts "AH" on the bottom, He then hands it to the violator for his signature.:cool:

The guy signs the ticket angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the *AH* and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an A#$ Hole!";)

Three months later they're in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license so he had hired an attorney to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Attorney: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make"?

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an *AH*, underlined".:cool:

Attorney: "What does the *AH* stand for, officer"?

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, sir."

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir.":biggrin:

Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for A%$ Hole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do....":biggrin::biggrin:

[SaraSidle]

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. :(

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer
of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you
will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
female brain.' :D

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked. :punch:

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to
ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?' :D

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just
standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've actually been used.':biggrin::biggrin:

Susie they are all cute but this one made me ROFL. thank you

[Ron]

:rose: Ron's homemade jokes,,


What did the horse say to the shoe ?

"I've got a crush on you .''
--->

Guess who died ?

''everyone'' .

--->
''What do you call spaghetti -lasagna ? ''

''spaghetti -on ya'' :rose:


==========================================
---> Sorry if this has offended anyone .<---:seeya:

[Drumbum]

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
> surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
> arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.
> The man should be here soon.'
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.. 'Good morning,
> Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
> expecting you.'
> 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
> know babies are my specialty?'
> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
> a seat'.
> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
> couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
> floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
> and me!'
> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
> we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
> I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
> In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
> his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
> 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
> their mother was so difficult to work with.'
> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
> job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
> good look'
> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
> The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
> concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,
> when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it
> all in.'
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
> uh...equipment?'
> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
> and we can get to work right away.'
> 'Tripod?'
> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
> too big to be held in the hand very long.'
> Mrs. Smith fainted..

[Karin]

[QUOTE=Drumbum;9124741]There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
> surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
> arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.
> The man should be here soon.'
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.. 'Good morning,
> Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
> expecting you.'
> 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
> know babies are my specialty?'
> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
> a seat'.
> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
> couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
> floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
> and me!'
> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
> we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
> I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
> In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
> his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
> 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
> their mother was so difficult to work with.'
> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
> job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
> good look'
> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
> The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
> concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,
> when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it
> all in.'
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
> uh...equipment?'
> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
> and we can get to work right away.'
> 'Tripod?'
> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
> too big to be held in the hand very long.'
> Mrs. Smith fainted..[/QUOTE

Good one Drummy!;)

[INGASON14]

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
> surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
> arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.
> The man should be here soon.'
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.. 'Good morning,
> Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
> expecting you.'
> 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
> know babies are my specialty?'
> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
> a seat'.
> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
> couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
> floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
> and me!'
> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
> we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
> I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
> In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
> his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
> 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
> their mother was so difficult to work with.'
> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
> job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
> good look'
> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
> The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
> concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,
> when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it
> all in.'
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
> uh...equipment?'
> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
> and we can get to work right away.'
> 'Tripod?'
> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
> too big to be held in the hand very long.'
> Mrs. Smith fainted..

This is cute brought a few chuckles as I was reading it LOL

[Ron]

Ouch that's funny :beer:

This next one l heard on the radio .

---> How do you know when it's bed-time ?

'' When the big hand reaches the little hand '' .

Ouch , yep :seeya:

[INGASON14]

MY PRIVATE PART DIED



An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences. '

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[INGASON14]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

[INGASON14]

Subject: fight at wal-mart

There I was on my way to shop at Walmart… Getting into a fight was the
farthest thing from my mind ... Wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a
great mood... And then ... I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car... (And you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to just get funny)?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'
. . And that's when the frickin fight started.

[INGASON14]

Subject: never leave your nuts alone

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
commands. When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts".
They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the
home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and
a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he re turned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world
happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this
guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS!"

Sorry thought this was cute was laughing my butt off

[Super Volcano]

Ouch that's funny :beer:

This next one l heard on the radio .

---> How do you know when it's bed-time ?

'' When the big hand reaches the little hand '' .

Ouch , yep :seeya:

hahaha Everyone love Larry the Cable guy.....


The wisdom of Larry the cable guy.......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets The cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off..

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. :rose:








GIT R' DONE!!!!!!!




Add FUN to your email - CLICK HERE!

[Drumbum]

hahaha Everyone love Larry the Cable guy.....


The wisdom of Larry the cable guy.......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets The cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off..

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. :rose:








GIT R' DONE!!!!!!!




Add FUN to your email - CLICK HERE!

Interesting nuggets.

[Super Volcano]

:rose: Ron's homemade jokes,,


What did the horse say to the shoe ?

"I've got a crush on you .''
--->

Guess who died ?

''everyone'' .

--->
''What do you call spaghetti -lasagna ? ''

''spaghetti -on ya'' :rose:


==========================================
---> Sorry if this has offended anyone .<---:seeya:


I have a TRUE story for y'all. My brother Jason was in Winnipeg Canada, on a church Mission. One day, he and his companion were stuck in the middle of nowheresville, and had to call the Bishop for a ride home. It was a long ride, and to pass time, Jason asked the Bishop how he met his wife. The Bishop said, "well, this is a story you will never forget!!!"
This was back in the 80's, when the Utah Jazz still played at the old Salt Palace. Anyways, he asked this girl out, knowing they liked each other. The night of the event came, and the girl was REALLY excited to go on this date. She decided at the last minute, that she had to pee, but decided instead to wait until they got to their destination. But-she forgot that it was at the Salt Palace for a concert, which is over an hour's drive, from Provo, to Salt Lake. The concert was good, and decided to wait still, until they got the restaurant after, to pee. The bathroom was packed, and he was anxious to get home, because it had started to snow. It wasn't until they got on the freeway, that she fell dead silent. He was perplexed. He asked, "did you have a good time?" "yes!!!" she sobbed. "then what the heck is the problem?" he asked. "pull over, I have to pee!!!!" she cried. He pulled over to the side of the freeway, so she could find somewhere to pee. The snow had covered his back wind shield, and he couldn't see what was going on back there. 10, 15 miinutes go by, so he rolled down his window, and yelled, "are you alright?" "no!!!! I need your help!!!!" she cried. He got out, and went around to the side of the car. To his surprise, her bare butt was stuck to the bumper of the car, while cars are whizzing by!!!!!! He had a half drunk can of Pepsi, and poured it over it, trying to un-stick the situation. That only made it worse!!!! They needed something warm....so he peed on it, and fixed the problem!!!! Two months later, they got married, and are still living happily ever after!!!!!!!! :beer:

[grneyes]

LMAO that's one heck of a story to tell their grand kids!

[Super Volcano]

LMAO that's one heck of a story to tell their grand kids!

Yea, really!!! I think I would be too horrified to ever see him again after that!!!!!

[Ron]

another of my home-made lol ,,,

What did the baby bear say to the little children at Jelly Stone Park ?

---> '' I'm not Boo-boo !!! ''

[Super Volcano]

another of my home-made lol ,,,

What did the baby bear say to the little children at Jelly Stone Park ?

---> '' I'm not Boo-boo !!! ''

O.k, here is an old school Michael Jackson joke:

Q: Why can't Michael Jackson ever play checkers?

A: Because he can never decide if he is black or white :cool:

[Ron]

.:shrug:


'' Ouch '' lol .

[Super Volcano]

.:shrug:


'' Ouch '' lol .

Hahaha Here is one or two more....

A Jeff Foxworthy joke.....


If you mow yer lawn, and find five cars hiding underneath, "you might be a red neck!!!!"


If you try to hook your tv wires to yer truck to give it a jump start, "you might be a red neck!!!!"


I

[Ron]

..Now you made me post another of my not so famous stuff lol .

:seeya: Okay , let's be fair .. lol .

If cows were on the rampage ,
And ducks were getting drunk ,
Life would be a mumbo-jumbo ,,
Would you give a funk ?

.:no:

[Super Volcano]

..Now you made me post another of my not so famous stuff lol .

:seeya: Okay , let's be fair .. lol .

If cows were on the rampage ,
And ducks were getting drunk ,
Life would be a mumbo-jumbo ,,
Would you give a funk ?

.:no:

HAHAHA here is a few things to think about....

Stupidity

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens
our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now

[Ron]

.:seeya:

Hi ,, :seeya: ,,

---some of them were sooo funny lol ,, and thx l needed that lol. Now get off the planet ,,, lol [ that's supposed to be funny].

[Super Volcano]

.:seeya:

Hi ,, :seeya: ,,

---some of them were sooo funny lol ,, and thx l needed that lol. Now get off the planet ,,, lol [ that's supposed to be funny].

Yea, I did get off the planet and finally went to bed last night!!! Here is some more funnies...


A lot of folks can't understand how we came

to have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in

Washington , DC!!!

[Ron]

:seeya:

'' Ouch'' lol .

.:seeya:

[Karin]

Ok...not good with jokes but love some good comedy....this is pretty funny to me..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9c9lAfXQHs&feature=related

[Super Volcano]

Ok...not good with jokes but love some good comedy....this is pretty funny to me..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9c9lAfXQHs&feature=related

LOL That is TRUE about Hot Pockets!!!! Never can have enough of T.P if you eat them!!!!!


This is for all of the cat lovers out there (I am one of them)

> Subject: How to give cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm
and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing
later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road
in a
tree.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order
new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local
pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.

> > >HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air. :biggrin:


__________________________________________________ _______________

[Drumbum]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**"Hello?'**



*'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.
**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****




*****Longer Pause*****




*****Even Longer Pause*****



**Then Daddy says,**



**'Swimming pool? ...........**



**Is this 486-5731?'*



**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

[odette]

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'

2. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

3. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

4. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'

5. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'

9. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, NO!, I'm going to be sick!

10. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh and say 'oops!'

11. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends.

12. Leave a box between the doors.

13. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'

14. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.

15. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the 'red buttons'.

16. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is 'MY personal space!!.'

17. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

18. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

19. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.

20. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Baaaad touch!'

21. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off Brrrrrrmmm brmm.

22. Bark occasionally.

23. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

24. Call out, "Group hug!" and enforce it.

25. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.

26. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"

27. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.

28. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.

29. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

30. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, scream "That's MINE!"

31. Bring a camera and take a picture of everyone in the elevator.

32. When the doors close, menacingly announce that "it's going to be a bumpy ride."

[Karin]

[/I][/B]**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**"Hello?'**



*'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.
**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****




*****Longer Pause*****




*****Even Longer Pause*****



**Then Daddy says,**



**'Swimming pool? ...........**



**Is this 486-5731?'*



**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

That's pretty funny drummy, like a good job from the master once in a while!

[susie31023]

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'

2. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

3. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

4. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'

5. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'

9. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, NO!, I'm going to be sick!

10. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh and say 'oops!'

11. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends.

12. Leave a box between the doors.

13. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'

14. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.

15. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the 'red buttons'.

16. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is 'MY personal space!!.'

17. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

18. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

19. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.

20. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Baaaad touch!'

21. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off Brrrrrrmmm brmm.

22. Bark occasionally.

23. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

24. Call out, "Group hug!" and enforce it.

25. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.

26. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"

27. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.

28. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.

29. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

30. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, scream "That's MINE!"

31. Bring a camera and take a picture of everyone in the elevator.

32. When the doors close, menacingly announce that "it's going to be a bumpy ride."

33. Right after the doors close, run into them screaming "NOOOOOOOO"

:biggrin: I have actually done a couple of these, LOL.....:biggrin:

[SaraSidle]

:biggrin: I have actually done a couple of these, LOL.....:biggrin:

Oh no Susie. Do you want some drugs for that?

[odette]

:biggrin: I have actually done a couple of these, LOL.....:biggrin:

Oh, reeeeeaallly Susie .. hahaha .. which ones did ya do? .. http://i37.tinypic.com/2udw0oo.jpg

[susie31023]

Oh, reeeeeaallly Susie .. hahaha .. which ones did ya do? .. http://i37.tinypic.com/2udw0oo.jpg:biggrin: 3,21 and 33. Hey it makes for some interesting looks, LOL....

No Sara, the drugs would cease to make it fun:biggrin:

Fifty Fun Things to do at Wal Mart..



1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes as high as possible.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. 14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
14 in the jewelry department.
15. Repeat Number
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive".
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M & M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows fro Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battfield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say thing like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo.
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines, relax and if the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
BONUS: Attempt all of the above during the same visit!

Now before yall ask yes I have indeed done quite a few of these:biggrin:, LOL

[odette]

hahahahaha!!

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines, relax and if the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

"explain that you don't get out much"!!! http://i33.tinypic.com/1r9848.gif

[SaraSidle]

:biggrin: 3,21 and 33. Hey it makes for some interesting looks, LOL....

No Sara, the drugs would cease to make it fun:biggrin:

Fifty Fun Things to do at Wal Mart..



1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes as high as possible.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. 14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
14 in the jewelry department.
15. Repeat Number
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive".
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M & M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows fro Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battfield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say thing like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo.
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines, relax and if the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
BONUS: Attempt all of the above during the same visit!

Now before yall ask yes I have indeed done quite a few of these:biggrin:, LOL

My DH did 46 and not on purpose. The whole store watched us return the cart to the owner!!!!!!!!!!!

[odette]

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

http://i33.tinypic.com/1r9848.gif

[susie31023]

:biggrin:Wal Mart can provide excellent entertainment if you use your imagination, LOL...:biggrin:

[susie31023]

http://i33.tinypic.com/1r9848.gif

SI SI Mi Amigo I have done this one, LOL:biggrin:

[Drumbum]

> On the first day, God created the dog and said:
> 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
> anyone who comes in or
> walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of
> twenty years.'
> The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How
> about only ten years
> and I'll give you back the other ten?'
> So God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
> 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
> For this, I'll give you
> a twenty-year life span.'
> The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years?
> That's a pretty long
> time to perform. How about I give you back ten like
> the dog did?'
>
> And God agreed.
>
> On the third day, God created the cow and said:
> 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day
> long and suffer under
> the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
> farmer's family. For
> this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
> The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want
> me to live for sixty
> years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other
> forty?'
>
> And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day, God created man and said:
> 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For
> this, I'll give you
> twenty years.'
> But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly
> give me my twenty,
> the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave
> back, and the ten
> the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
>
> 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
>
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat,
> sleep, play and enjoy
> ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the
> sun to support our
> family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks
> to entertain the
> grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on
> the front porch and
> bark at everyone.
>
> Life has now been explained to you.
>
> There is no need to thank me for this valuable
> information. I'm doing it
> as a public service.
>

[Drumbum]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM


CAUSE


CORRECTIVE ACTION

Feet cold and wet


Glass Being held at incorrect angle.


Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet


Improper Bladder Control


Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless


a. Glass empty.

b. You're holding a Coors Lite


Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights


You have fallen over backward.


Have yourself leashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes


You have fallen forward


See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet


a. Mouth not open

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face


Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor Blurred


You are looking through bottom of empty glass


Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving


You are being carried out


Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark


Bar has closed


Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures


Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations


Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles


You are dancing on the table


Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear


It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up


Punch him

People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup


You're in the ladies' room


Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear


You have been in a fight


Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in


You've wandered into the wrong party


See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk


a. You're in jail

b. You're in the navy


Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps


You're in a gay bar


Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

Your singing sounds distorted


The beer is too weak


Have more beer until your voice improves

Don't remember the words to the song


Beer is just right


Play air guitar

[One2Snoop]

I kid you not... New Wine for Seniors

http://i38.tinypic.com/2002u5k.jpg

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.



The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE
(Pee No More)


http://i38.tinypic.com/72d7cz.jpg


I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

http://i36.tinypic.com/21b65tx.gif

[SaraSidle]

Very cute O2S. love the avatar. reminds me of spring.

[Super Volcano]

Very cute O2S. love the avatar. reminds me of spring.

yea, I love the monkey!!!:D

[The R]

ummmmmm........


All I can get from this is that different people experience closure in different ways?

















Sheriff: Family cremated mom on BBQ, kept benefits


CORNING, Calif. — The family of a dead elderly woman cremated her remains on a makeshift barbecue and continued collecting her retirement checks amounting to more than $25,000, authorities in Northern California said. Ramona Allmond's daughter and grandson were arrested Sunday on suspicion of embezzlement, elder abuse and disposing of a body without a permit.

Allmond, 84, likely died of natural causes, though investigators were still trying to determine the exact cause of death, said Tehama County sheriff's Capt. Paul Hosler.


Allmond's daughter, Kathleen Allmond, 50, and Allmond's grandson, Tony Ray, 30, told investigators their relative died in December. They left her body on her bedroom floor for a week before cremating the remains in their backyard fire pit, Hosler said.

Investigators said the two kept collecting Allmond's monthly retirement checks, amounting to more than $25,000. Sheriff's Detective Richard Knox said they may have been trying to honor Allmond's desire to die at home and be cremated.

The two were arrested after Allmond's son grew suspicious about her whereabouts.

Both were in jail in lieu of bail, with arraignment scheduled for Thursday. The sheriff's department said they do not yet have attorneys.

___




Gives new meaning to throwing something on the barbie?

Wow,
R

[Super Volcano]

ummmmmm........


All I can get from this is that different people experience closure in different ways?

















Sheriff: Family cremated mom on BBQ, kept benefits


CORNING, Calif. — The family of a dead elderly woman cremated her remains on a makeshift barbecue and continued collecting her retirement checks amounting to more than $25,000, authorities in Northern California said. Ramona Allmond's daughter and grandson were arrested Sunday on suspicion of embezzlement, elder abuse and disposing of a body without a permit.

Allmond, 84, likely died of natural causes, though investigators were still trying to determine the exact cause of death, said Tehama County sheriff's Capt. Paul Hosler.


Allmond's daughter, Kathleen Allmond, 50, and Allmond's grandson, Tony Ray, 30, told investigators their relative died in December. They left her body on her bedroom floor for a week before cremating the remains in their backyard fire pit, Hosler said.

Investigators said the two kept collecting Allmond's monthly retirement checks, amounting to more than $25,000. Sheriff's Detective Richard Knox said they may have been trying to honor Allmond's desire to die at home and be cremated.

The two were arrested after Allmond's son grew suspicious about her whereabouts.

Both were in jail in lieu of bail, with arraignment scheduled for Thursday. The sheriff's department said they do not yet have attorneys.

___




Gives new meaning to throwing something on the barbie?

Wow,
R


OMG I have the freaking dry heaves after reading what these morons did to their GRANDMOTHER!!!!!!!!! SICK OUT!!!!! All for money?????????????? Don't people realize that it is true, that misused, money IS the root of all evil? They can't take $ with them when they die, but the $ will come back and bite them in the butt come judgement day!!!!!!!! I really hope this grandmother is haunting them!!!! :cuss: sorry-I am off of my soap box now :o

[Wicked Mistress]

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. :(

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer
of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you
will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
female brain.' :D

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked. :punch:

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to
ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?' :D

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just
standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've actually been used.':biggrin::biggrin:

LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT!

My turn:

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

[Vanillaangel]

http://www.witchyswikkedgraphix.com/categories/Christmas/christmas (1).gif

[William Anthony]

A first grade teacher drew a picture of a cross, a fish, a diamond, a pair of eyes, a donkey and and a tomato on the black board. When the students arrived she asked them if anyone could make a sentence using the pictures they saw on the blackboard. Little Johnny, who the teacher knew cussed all the time, was the only student to raise his hand. The teacher looked at the pictures again and couldn't think of any sentence Johnny could create that would be untoward. Reluctantly, she called on Johnny. Johnny said, holy mackerel sapphire, look at the a** on that tomato.

[grneyes]

Stay!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Local Shopping Center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.

As I was leaving my car,
I pointed my finger at the car and said emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'
'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,


'Why don't you just put it in park ?